Think Outside the Food

As I write this, I’m sitting in Taco Bell. What I’m punishing myself for, I don’t know. What I do know is it’s fun to go into Taco Bell and order some random number of regular tacos and a drink.

I can vaguely remember being a little kid and going to Taco Bell with my parents. They served tacos, and little cups of frijoles, and possibly rice, too. By the time I was old enough to realize I liked tacos, the menu had been ravaged by whatever coke-snorting demon clowns now own not only Taco Bell, but KFC and Pizza Hut as well.

“Yeah, I’d like, uh… I dunno, like four crunchy tacos, and a drink.”

“That’s it? Just four regular tacos?”

“And a drink, yep.”

“You don’t want a Megachupaquesolupachangarito?”

“Uhhhh… no…”

“You don’t want food made entirely from Cheetos and Elmer’s glue?”

“Um, no, the uh… the standard amount of Cheetos and Elmer’s glue will, uh, will… will be fine.”

“Sir that IS the standard amount.”

You know what Taco Bell is to Mexicans? It’s like if you went to Cancun and there was a place called “Burger Bomb,” and the entire menu was just random shit served on rolls.


1) Pizza Burger – a slice of pepperoni pizza on a thick, garlicky crust, served on a sesame seed bun.

2) Chicken Burger – Chicken patty, breaded and fried, with grape jelly and mayonnaise, and a slice of unripe pineapple.

3) American Burger – a bologna sandwich.

4) American Pizza – a flour tortilla, served flat, loaded down with tater tots, Greek yogurt, and Vienna sausages.

5) Traditional Burger – a sausage biscuit and the only edible thing on the menu. You will be shamed by our staff for ordering this.

Coming soon, breakfast burgers!

You hear people talk about cultural appropriation, but nobody ever takes Taco Bell to task over this, that I am aware of.

Your move, payasos.

Author: Sean Gates

Sean is an aspiring screenwriter, novelist, a trained artist and photographer, an avid reader, film buff, sports fan, working man, bird hobbyist, social liberal, fiscal conservative, and occasional smartass. He also enjoys craft beers, pizza, and long lonely walks wondering just where the hell his life went wrong.

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